Gobble gobble, bitch. Everybody eats.
The Moneyball Gangster
It’s Thanksgiving, folks. It really is. Pass the stuffing! Pass the gravy! Pass a goddamned kidney stone, for God’s sakes. I don’t care! Seriously, I don’t.
It’s the holiday before the holidays; the feast of feasts before the other feasts get feasted. And what pairs best with our yearly turkey-and-starch buffet? That’s right, gang: football. The Lord’s game. Be it a game of two-hand touch in the backyard, or watching the Cowboys and Lions battle their opponents on the gridiron, pigskin has become as ubiquitous around the end of November as the dang turkey or other various dishes!
But what you may not have known about our favorite game is that many of the legends of the game have had names similar to what you may find around your Thanksgiving table, maybe even enough to field a team in the backyard!
THE MONEYBALL GANGSTER TURKEY BOWL ALL-STARS
Bobby Greene-Beane, QB
Maybe you don’t like Aunt Carole’s green bean casserole. Maybe she’s not handling the separation well. That’s fine, but it wouldn’t be Thanksgiving without some Greene-Beanes.
The dual-threat quarterback out of the University of Arkansas set the NFL on fire in his record-breaking 1964 season, in which he became the first player in NFL history to both run and throw for at least 1,000 yards in a season, and was definitely the first to do so while wearing his trademark on-field earmuffs. Greene-Beane’s career was unfortunately cut short by injuries, as his offseason hobby of “shaking strangers and demanding they lead him to The Money Hole” turned violent in the spring of 1966, leading to a severed left leg.
Jeff Stuffing, RB
Stuffing: the wettest bread. We love the wet bread. Gotta eat Da Wet Bread.
Perhaps the greatest player on our Turkey Day squad, the legendary Stuffing brings over 10,000 career rushing yards, 7 All-Pro nominations, and 2 Super Bowl appearances to our Thanksgiving backfield. Ironically, stuffing Jeff was almost impossible, as his 5.9 yards-per-carry rank among the all-time leaders since defenders were afraid of the loaded handgun ol’ Stuffy was known to concealed-carry at all times. Let him score or get shot. Hmmm, yeah, I think it’s gonna be “letting him score” for me!
Terence Dinner, WR
Thanksgiving is all about Dinner, and Dinner was all about catching the ball. Though Terence Dinner’s career was not very illustrious (career season-highs of 43 catches and 540 yards), he was one of the most sure-handed receivers in league history, dropping only three passes in his eight-year career. A drama major in his time at the University of Nebraska, Dinner may be more well-known for his turn as the voice of TD the Turbo Dog in TD the Turbo Dog, The Dog Who Turbos, a short-lived Disney XD program about a football-playing dog who turbos.
Julius Cranberry, WR
Cranberry sauce may be the most divisive item on the Thanksgiving table. Canned or fresh? Is it even good? Well, gang, I can tell you a Cranberry who is good: Julius, and boy is he fresh (not canned, see: two sentences ago).
As sharp a route runner as he is a dresser, Cranberry is one of the league’s top receivers, with over 1,000 receiving yards in six of his eight career seasons. This Thanksgiving, I bet his quarterback will be saying “hey, pass the cranberry sauce!”, because they are probably such good friends.
“Gravy Boat” Dennis, TE
Yachts, pontoons, schooners, dinghies; all boats, but all winterized and inside garages come Thanksgiving. On the Day of Gobbling, there is but one boat, and floats upon a moat of brown: the gravy boat.
“Gravy Boat” Dennis, whose legal name contains quotation marks, revolutionized the tight end position in the NFL, setting league records for receptions, yards, and touchdowns by a tight end, which held until he was surpassed by the legendary Barton “Pants” Jeans in 1997. The first great blocker-catcher combination, “Gravy Boat” opened up the Colts’ offense and gave them an element they never had before: bismuth.
Donyell Pumpkin, OT
Unfortunately, not many offensive linemen have had Turkey Day-themed names over the league’s lengthy history, so our offensive line will be a unit of one: Donyell Pumpkin.
Pumpkin, who entered the league as an undrafted free agent out of the University of Washington, was a solid, if not spectacular tackle on both the left and right sides of Denver’s offensive line in the 2000s, and was a member of their 2004 AFC Championship Game team. Upon retiring in 2009, Donyell Pumpkin joined the Society for Men Who Dance Funny at Weddings and has yet to re-emerge in the public eye. Maybe he’s working on a recipe for the perfect pie (pumpkin, probably, given his last name!)
Huggins “Collard Greens” Chandler, DT
Perhaps not a staple of all American Thanksgivings, but an absolute must in Southern homes, collard greens are a pungent, smoky addition to any Turkey Day buffet. I like them, but maybe you don’t. That’s what makes this great country of ours so good. I can say something, and you don’t have to agree with me. But we can still be friends.
One of the most feared pass rushers of his era, Huggins Chandler led the league in sacks from 1971-74. Nicknamed “Collard Greens” because of his answer to a reporter asking him “What do you think your nickname should be?”, Chandler wreaked havoc in both opposing backfields and restaurant bathrooms, as he was infamous in the Dallas area for eating so much food that he would poop all over the fucking place, nasty style. Gross! I don’t want to eat poop.
Macaroni and Cheese, LB
Delicious!
DeMarius Pilgrim, CB
Of course, there would be no Thanksgiving without the Pilgrims. Landing their big dumb boat on these hallowed shores is why we’re all here, and we are forever grateful and thankful to them for landing their big dumb boat here.
DeMarius Pilgrim was a Plymouth Rock-solid cornerback throughout his lengthy NFL career. Shutting down opposing receivers was his game, and DeMarius Pilgrim was his name (and still is, as he is not dead as of the writing of this article)! Fans of the Jaguars were treated to many Pilgrimages to the end zone in the 2007 season, as the talented speedster returned three interceptions for touchdowns that year. Pilgrim, now retired, spends his days giving back to his community by rounding up geese and siccing them on nearby insurance agents.
Bryan Giblets, K
Let’s talk giblets. Sure, they’re gross. Of course they’re gross. They’re innards! But that little bag of fun stuffed inside your frozen turkey is the key to making a rich, flavorful gravy.
Bryan Giblets was a kicker for several teams in his underwhelming career, but there weren’t any other Thanksgiving-named kickers. Most famous for missing three kicks in a game against the Raiders as a member of the 49ers, Giblets bounced from team to team, missing kicks and being named Bryan Giblets. Let’s hope our team never has to kick!
I hope everyone reading this has a nice Thanksgiving and enjoys their Colonizer’s Lunch. I have many things to be thankful for this year: Mrs. Moneyball, my cat Louie, Julius Randle, my cool friends, my loving family, a new season of Succession, and pale ales that clock in around 5-6% ABV. Love everyone who loves you, and be nice to yourself.
MONEYBALL GANGSTER 