Money is the key. Balling is the door. Ain’t no locksmith ’round these parts. Guess you gotta figure it out.
The Moneyball Gangster
P.U. It smells like shit in here! Did I just unleash one of my classic Nasty Mode farts? Surprisingly, no!
The New York Knicks stink. Sitting comfortably within the bottom ranks of the East at 24-31, they occupy the 12th seed currently, and are going nowhere fast. For the majority of the season, the Madison Square Gardeners have played a fairly unwatchable, uninspired brand of basketball; a listless ballet of dribbling to nowhere, bricking eighteen-foot jump shots, and lackadaisical defensive effort. Julius Randle has slogged his way through a bowl of basketball oatmeal this season, trudging up and down the court as Tom Thibodeau spams “Randle Quick Post Up” from his NBA 2K playcall menu. This offseason’s surprise acquisition, native son Kemba Walker, has contributed nothing more than a few games to get Real Hooper Twitter excited. Derrick Rose, the sparkplug of 2021’s surprise success and lynchpin of their bench unit, has missed over a month of games with an ankle injury. They’re sputtering.
Despite all this, Thibs’ club has occasionally shown splashes of legitimate talent. RJ Barrett, despite early-season struggles, has turned into something resembling a star of late. Randle has displayed his All-NBA form for quarters, halves, and even whole, actual basketball games at times, especially on their recent west coast trip. Rookie wing Quentin Grimes flexes his potential for high-level 3-and-D on a nightly basis. The ‘Bockers have also enjoyed the, however incremental it may be, improvement of sophomores Obi Toppin and Immanuel Quickley. Impending free agent center Mitchell Robinson is doing his best Chamberlain, becoming an indomitable force within the restricted area. While the season for the Knicks is likely on the brink of full collapse, there lies a respectable level of ability within their roster.
Through this season’s ups and downs, what has become evident is that the Knicks’ roster is badly in need of some restructuring. As it stands, the Knicks have with a jumbled roster of talented youngsters, struggling veterans, and, well, Julius Randle.
With finite minutes to go around, young talent floundering on the bench, and a coach seemingly incapable of not playing his veterans, a thinning of the herd seems to be in order in New York. While they publicly stated they are not interested in solely freeing up playing time if they make a trade, namely for floundering guard/wing Alec Burks, this should be the focus, and is most likely the front office’s private intention.
Who stays? Who goes? Who comes in? What are you wearing? If you’re asking these questions, save for the last one perhaps, you’re on the right website. The Moneyball Gangster is here to guide you through all the Knicks’ options before today’s 3PM deadline.
PLAN #1: TAKE OUT THE TRASH
The Knicks have some veterans on the roster taking up cap space and playing time, in return for next to (or sometimes even less than) nothing in return. They are, namely, Walker, Alec Burks, and Nerlens Noel.
Walker, famously pulled from the rotation earlier this season, has somehow offered even less than he did before his benching, scoring 4.6 points on 11.5 (!!!) percent shooting from deep in his last 10 games. Burks has been unfortunately miscast as the team’s point guard during Walker’s numerous rest-related absences and has struggled, completely disappearing from both box scores and defensive rotations at times. After finishing last season third in blocks per game, Noel has regressed as a defender, has barely stayed healthy, and owns the worst hands New York has seen since Lucas Duda patrolled left field for the Mets.
With G League-dominator Deuce McBride, recently-acquired Cam Reddish, and pogo-stick big Jericho Sims ready and waiting in the wings, the Knicks should be exploring every possible avenue and cross-street to get Walker, Burks, and Noel off the roster.
This seems, on its face, the easiest and most logical path for the Knicks to take. Trim the fat and play the kids. The problem, however, lies within the facts that these players are very bad currently, and none of them are playing for free. Each of them makes between $9 and $10 million and none of those contracts expire after the season either, making them even less attractive to potential suitors. Knicks Twitter had fun the past two weeks attempting to package all three with draft picks to make moves for higher-salaried players like DeAaron Fox or CJ McCollum, both of whom are now unavailable after Tuesday’s two blockbuster trades, this was unlikely to begin with.
All may not be lost in the Knicks’ attempt to free up playing time, which again, they have said is not their intention, but probably is. While Walker and Noel both reek and can’t be trusted to play every night, Burks may have utility to a contender looking to bolster their bench. He can shoot, allegedly, and nominally act as a primary ball-handler in a pinch. Teams like the Suns and Lakers come to mind as potential dance partners on the Burks level.
If the Knicks can pull off a swap of cheap-but-still-bad contracts with Burks, they may be motivated to embrace a youth movement by waiving Walker unceremoniously and gluing Noel’s preposterously fragile legs to the bench. Not ideal, but definitely works.
PLAN #2: GET A NEW ENGINE
Tom Thibodeau refers to Randle as the team’s “engine” ad nauseum, alongside his typical “make the right read” and “let the game tell you what to do” platitudes. And last season, he unquestionably was the straw stirring the drink. An All-Star, All-NBA, Most Improved season by Randle drove the Knicks near the top of the East and into the playoffs for the first time since shitty indie folk music dominated the airwaves; an effort for which Randle was rewarded with a modest-for-a-star contract extension this past August.
Randle’s struggles have been well-documented this season. The surprise three-point stroke he displayed last season has gone into hiding once again, and Thibodeau’s reliance upon him to orchestrate the offense in lieu of a true point has been rough on the eyes at times. Defensively, Randle has been a shell of his form last season, missing rotations and looking uninterested in the concept of NBA defense in general. These struggles, combined with the highly-publicized thumbs-down Randle sent the Garden faithful, have made Randle a favorite among the fanbase’s Fanspo mock-trade machinations.
While trading Randle and his $117 million contract for Fox or McCollum is an impossibility now, moving off Randle never seemed to be the move for the Knicks this season. For one, trading the guy who played Franchise Savior for you not a calendar year ago just seems like a bad move, vibes-wise. Secondly, while Barrett has improved, Randle has shown recently that when he plays with a modicum of effort, he is still far and away the team’s best player. Randle possesses an on-ball gravity and shot-making ability no one else on this current Knick squad has.
Folks questioning what the ceiling of a team relying upon Randle for a lion’s share of the offensive production is, and folks who want to free up opportunities for high-flying sophomore Obi Toppin, have legitimate concerns. Randle’s penchant for post-ups limits his efficiency upside as a number-one in an offense, the role he has played since arriving in New York in 2019. And Toppin does deserve to play more (perhaps alongside, not instead of, Randle), if only for the reason that watching him play whips absolute ass.
But any jump to trading Randle is prisoner-of-the-moment thinking. Not only is the forward’s market value the lowest it may ever be, but any evaluation of the team’s offensive potential with Randle as a cog should be walked back until the Knicks have at least a reliable mid-tier initiator. The Knicks would prove wise to hold on to Randle, get a goddamned point guard, and see what Randle’s value is as a secondary creator and primary finisher.
PLAN #3: CONSULT THE DARK LORD ZORLON AND CONJURE A HEX
Now this, I will admit, is a bit of a long shot. I can’t imagine this is the path Leon Rose and company have in mind for the deadline, but it may prove the most prudent.
While it may be a bit late in the season for any deadline deal to have any significant impact on the Knicks’ record, completing the dangerous-yet-life-affirming quest up the Forbidden Mountain to the lair of Lord Zorlon in search of the Darkest Hex may grant New York the advantage they have been searching for.
It’s a daunting ask: one must first traverse the treacherous terrain of Treacherous Terrains, fend off blood-sucking Evil Weevils in the Disgusting Swamp of Trash and Garbage, and answer the riddles three of Robert Riddles, annoyingly portrayed by Rob Riggle of film and TV. And that’s before making their ascent to the peak of Forbidden Mountain. But the Knicks may have the personnel to get it done, and if they do, watch out.
It is foretold in legend of yore that Zorlon will reward those that conquer the path of peril with the Darkest Hex upon whoever the brave heroes choose. Obviously, in this situation, the Knicks would choose to hex their opponents for the rest of the season. Zorlon does require a small donation of shekels in exchange for his services, the Knicks are all millionaires. They can afford it.
Humdiddadecks, humdiddadee, I cast this hex out upon thee! Zorlon would say, as the legend foretells. Then, clouds of evil energy will swirl atop Forbidden Mountain as the Dark Lord conjures his powers of knavish sorcery. Lightning crashes. Somewhere, a new mother cries. Thunder now claps. Rain torrents upon the mountaintop. Then, in a flash–our Knickerbocker heroes are magically transported back home, instantly.
Thought Evan Fournier was a good shooter before? Well, imagine how wide open he’ll be when the nearest defender turns into a pile of ash and bone! Tired of Julius Randle’s post-ups? You won’t be after one shoulder to the chest blasts his defender into a dimension where everyone looks like Ren Höek, but in human form. Wow, check it out! Mitchell Robinson just became the first player in NBA history with 100 rebounds, 100 blocks, and 12 souls stolen during a regular season game. Awesome!
This is quite the no-brainer for the Knicks, if they believe that they are of the right mind, body, and spirit to conquer the quest laid out before them. I believe they can do it, and should do it, if they are serious about contending this season. Let’s bring the Larry O’Brien Trophy back to Madison Square Garden, folks. Embrace the darkness.
MONEYBALL GANGSTER 